Letter to my father
by Saiyachick
Summary: SONGFICGohan wrote a letter to his dear father of both love and hate. He wonders if his father was really watching over him and his family...when all hope is gone in his eyes, the Saiyan is relinquished with proof from his father that he is cared for.


Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ nor this wonderful song by Good Charlotte.

Summary: Just a lil fic I put together. NO, I did not just get the CD and I am NOT a poser, so leave me be. I have wanted to do this songfic badly and I finally got what I wanted. I personally despise Goku, so this is an ANGST fic…my own…I am going to do another songfic using the song Hold on by Good Charlotte also. They are such a good band, so don't give me any shit that I am some 'poser' because if think that, then you are terribly wrong…

**_Emotionless_**

**_Dealing with pain is hard…we all know…_**

****

**_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_**

**_Hey dad  
I'm writing to you  
not to tell you, that I still hate you  
just to ask you  
how you feel  
and how we fell apart  
how this fell apart  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_**

_Dear father,_

_            I don't know where you are, or if you're really out there, but I just wanted to say that I understand now. No, I am not writing to say that I hate you still…just that…your family is ok. Even though you left mother and I alone…we're fine. You have a son you know…a really cute one in fact…it's just that…I never told him about you._

_I feared that if I ever let Gohan in on any of your tactics and on how you wanted to stay dead, that he would hate you too. I don't want him to feel the bitterness I do inside. I can't hide it from him any sooner because he is growing up everyday. Even though he is only three, I still wonder how he makes me such a proud brother._

_Enough of that father, I am writing to tell you how life has been for me. I am not saying that I forgave you, and I'm not saying that I despise you…it's just that…we fell apart. How can such a good father son relationship fall apart that easily? Our bond is broken… my love for you has withered, and I don't see if I can ever see you again._

_That day of bloodshed was too much for me. I am sorry that I disappointed you, but I am not sorry that I called you such names. You didn't realize that the moment you died, I was the man of the house. YOU didn't realize that I had to grow up and take care of Goten…YOU didn't realize anything did you father? I grew up with such sorrow, and I am writing to fill you in on what just has been going on…_

**_  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
are you happy out there in this great wide world?  
do you think about your sons?  
do you miss your little girl?  
when you lay your head down  
how do you sleep at night?  
do you even wonder if we're all right?  
but we're all right  
we're all right_**

**_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
_**

_I wondered everyday how you slept at night, so comfortably and not a care in the world while I did your dirty work. Didn't you even try and think about how it made me feel…let alone your friends and mother? Didn't you realize that you brought so much grief to all the people that loved you? I didn't think so…_

_I was curious to find out just how you could live with yourself. You didn't even bother to check on you family once and while did you? All your friends mourned your death…this family is broken. The friendship we all had is broken…all because of your selfish mistake._

_Don't worry your bright little head off father; we're doing all right. We'll make it through with out you. Don't let me bother you with such pitiful emotions. Don't think about how many tears I spilt…how many tears Bulma, mother, Krillin, and every single person you knew spilt. Oh no, you didn't realize how many people idolized you…_

_Never realized how much I idolized you until…_

**_  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
it's been a long hard road without you by my side  
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
you broke my mother's heart  
you broke your children for life  
it's not ok,  
but we're all right  
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
but those were just a long lost memory of mine  
I spent so many years learning how to survive  
Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_**

_My childhood was put to decease. I am only what, fifteen, but I feel like a twenty year old. I had to waste away my youth within just to take care of YOUR job. I couldn't live my teen years with you…it has been so hard. I didn't want to run away like you, I just had to deal with my problems._

_Our raining tears of depression poured, but you know who mourned your death the most? Me. I don't know why, but I mourned the death of your fatality. At night I always sat up and began to weep and sob. Yes, I may sound weak but that is the real truth. Day by day I whispered to myself that you would come back through our wooden door and have that goofy grin on your face…yet you never came…_

_I always thought you were a hero, but never again will it be the same. I admired your fighting skills and the way you beat every one of your foes, though now it seems like a faltered memory…like a dream…that I will never wake up from._

_You not only broke my heart but mothers. Do you know how many times I tried and comforted her yet she pushed me away? She kept yelling your name and wailed about how she only wanted you. When Goten was born, both her and him were about to die because of her grief that her husband was gone._

_I stayed alone at home crying and hoping both would be all right. I prayed to Kami that nothing would go wrong…wondering…hoping…praying…everything was useless! I ran outside and exploded with anger and emotions. I had so much sorrow and nothing seemed to sooth me until…I felt a new presence…the presence of a Son being born. At that time, Goten's small yet strong Ki soothed me…_

_Ever since then, I learned what it meant to survive. Survival of the fittest, and I mastered that. I don't know how I went through so much work, but I did it…your son, your flesh and blood…cleaned up after your mess…****_

**_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
The days I spent so cold, so hungry  
were full of hate  
I was so angry  
those scars run deep inside this tattooed body  
there's things I'll take, to my grave  
but I'm okay  
I'm okay  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
_**

_Then came the days of hardship…days of anger and rage. It was when I had to go through the anniversary of your death again. That whole week…my birthday till your death day put me through so much. I hated it. The gang pitied us which made me even more angry._

_Even though at that time is was cold and detestable against you…I wished that for one day you would be here for my birthday. All I wanted was to spend my birthday with my whole family but that never happened. You missed my thirteenth birthday, Goten's first word, Krillin's marriage, and now soon my sixteenth birthday._

_The wounds inside will never be healed. Till this day I conceal all my pain for my family because my scars remain fresh. Whenever I think of you, I think of you face of deception. I think of how you deceived me…so many dark things enter my mind…and those are things I'll take to my grave when I die.****_

**_  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
it's been a long hard road without you by my side  
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
you broke my mother's heart  
you broke your children for life  
it's not ok,  
but we're all right  
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
but those were just a long lost memory of mine  
Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive  
yeah, I'm still alive  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
_**

_Don't get mad at me father get mad at yourself. You caused all these things inside me. You're the one who gave me the curse of feeling pain and the gift of power. It was all you…my arrogance, pride, cockiness…all because of you…_

_I inherited all my Saiyan bloods from you so don't blame it on me. Even today, I think of my life like that. Born with a curse and a gift…never to be remembered nor forgotten…_

**_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Sometimes  
I forgive  
yeah and this time  
I'll admit  
that I miss you, said I miss you  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
_**__

_Even though you put mother and I through so much pain…sorrow…grief…I'll give you the pleasure of hearing those words. They aren't a step up from 'I love you,' but it's better than nothing. Let me just tell you something that goes on still…_

_Every night I pass by mother's room, I hear her cry, and whimper. She still misses you father so please, if not for me do it for your unknown son and mother. Now I could care less if you showed up…the only thing I'm worried about is that I'll never be the same as I once was._

_I grew up father…grew up with this lifestyle. Please don't pity me it makes things worse. I don't want any sympathy what so ever…nor do I want your love. I don't deserve it and you don't deserve mine._

_Just do a last request for me…send me a sign to show your actually watching and caring for your family. Now I will send this letter the Saiyan way…the way Vegeta taught me how…_

_I just have to address the letter to you and spill my bits of blood into a fire then throw it in along with the fire. Hopefully this isn't a hoax…for if it is…it will be another one of my dozens of unread and unsent letters._

_Bye father. Don't worry about me because I am alive and all right. Just live your own life in the next dimension and think of what you have put me through for it is a shame you will have to live it with all eternity._

**_-_****_Gohan Son_**

**_  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
it's been a long hard road without you by my side  
why weren't you there all the nights that we cried  
you broke my mother's heart  
you broke your children for life  
it's not ok,  
but we're all right  
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes  
but those were just a long lost memory of mine  
Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
_**

Other world aka next dimension

On the cliff side of the next dimension, a lone warrior was steadily meditating when all of a sudden a white envelope with spots of crimson on it appeared out of nowhere and into his lap. This disturbance lead for the warrior to open one eye and to check out what had happened. 

"What's this?" he asked himself. It was then noticed it was addressed with him and felt warm. He opened the letter and read carefully. It was from his eldest son! The Saiyan read and re-read the letter over and over again…

"How could he think that?" he whispered to himself. "But it is all true…I didn't think of what might happen to my family…and now I have to live with this shame I have put on myself he sighed…"

Goku thought for a moment and paused. When an idea sprinted into his mind, he would grant Gohan's request. A few moments later Goku was spotted in his home he shared with King Kai and created something. There was a flash of light and suddenly Goku came out smiling.

"I hope that gives you faith my son…I'm sorry…" he whispered softly.

**_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
and sometimes  
I forgive  
and this time  
I'll admit, that I miss you, miss you  
hey dad_**

**_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*_**

As the rain poured upon the teenage Saiyan, he felt something deep within himself. 'I can't admit it, can I? Can I really say those words to him? Does he deserve it?'

The boy's hair drooped upon himself and he was soaking wet. Suddenly, as he walked, the rain stopped and the clouds had disappeared. "What in the…"

And with luck, something floated from the sky…a pure white feather…a huge one.  Gohan had his hands out and the feather dropped daintily into his hands. He examined it and smiled. "So it is true. It worked!" The teenager sighed and smiled even more. "Oh fine, I'll say it…yes father I admit it, I miss you deeply…"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Let the angels fly freely ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kat: I hoped you all enjoyed my angst, but sort of nice story. Tune in next time…


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